Sunday, August 22, 2010

cut your face off

Americans throw away around two billion razors a year. Are you an American? Did you throw away a razor this year?

If you answered yes to both those questions, then I am sorry to say that you are being a stupid-head. Go out right now, buy yourself a straight-edged razor, and start practicing. Razor cuts are sexy.

If, however, you have an aversion to staining the necklines of your nice white shirts with your own blood, then I suggest you go online and get yourself a razor sharpener.

Or, if you don't feel like buying yet another plastic object destined for a landfill or the Pacific Ocean, then every time you shave, whet your arm and run the razor backwards with the grain of your hair about twenty times. My hippie-ish friend JJ told me about it. I was incredulous, too, but I've been doing it and my blade's gotten sharper.

If, however, you think that my rate of razor usage is one-disposable-razor-every-two-years too many, then chuck the razor completely and go au natural, like God made you. Don't you know that messing with God's design is an abomination? Let it grow, baby. Let it grow.

 I'd join you, but my facial hair is stubbornly hap-hazard and apparently high school teachers aren't allowed to look like their patchwork-faced students. Dang.

1 comment:

  1. It is probably best that you not look any more like a student than you currently do, Sir Barkey... though I would love to see you with a manly man-beard.

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